


You Really Are an Idiot

by Ryuichi



Category: Hakuouki
Genre: F/M, a bit edgy, mean Okita
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-14
Updated: 2018-09-14
Packaged: 2019-07-12 04:26:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15987590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ryuichi/pseuds/Ryuichi





	You Really Are an Idiot

The sun was shining brightly in the sky and usually you would welcome such weather, but right now you were standing in the courtyard with your kodachi in hand and training for what might have been hours and yet the sun seemed to have not even moved an inch. You wiped the sweat off your forehead and slashed through the air as you had done many times today. You couldn’t help but wonder how the men of the Shinsengumi could handle even worse training in the scorching heat. You vigorously shook your head chasing away those intrusive thoughts. You had to endure, that was the only way you knew of to become stronger. But why did you want to become stronger… You swinged the blade on the right a bit too strong and felt the kodachi slip from your hand and fall on the ground with a clatter. A sigh escaped your lips and you stared at the fallen sword.

 

Ever since Okita had saved you from those bullets, the sight of him bleeding in front of you couldn’t escape your mind, there was not an hour or a minute when the thought of Okita slowly dying wasn’t going through your brain. In your heart, you knew this was the reason for you rigorous training; every part of your being felt it had to protect Okita. You smiled bitterly. It was quite funny, and you knew that if Okita was to find out he’d laugh in your face and he would be right. How could a tiny girl like yourself protect Okita Souji the Sword of the Shinsengumi? What did you have that he already didn’t? But it was beyond you to fight that horrendous illness and those wounds and all you could do was train and hope to prove yourself useful to him somehow.

“Hey, Chizuru-chan.”

Of course, it was Okita’s voice, his voice that always sounded like it was about to make fun of you and made you way too self-conscious.

“Someone got you mad or something?”

You turned around to face him and, despite his words of concern, Okita’s face was stretched in an amused grin.

“No… No, I’m just training.”

“In this heat?”

You had no idea what you say to that, so you just shrugged without looking him in the eye and bent down to pick up your kodachi.

“Hmm…” the tone of Okita’s voice indicated that he didn’t really trust your words, but didn’t press any further, or at at least so it seemed. “Then train with me.”

“Wha– no!”

“No?”

“What are you even doing here? You should be in bed, your wounds are not even close to healed and that means you can’t allow yourself to get exhausted right now.”

Okita laughed throwing his head backwards.

“You honestly think I’ll get exhausted by fighting you?”

“That’s not what I mean…”

Naturally, trying to argue with Okita was always a difficult task, to say the least, and you sighed putting the kodachi back in your scabbard. If you couldn’t make him see reason then you just wouldn’t do what he wanted you to.

“Come on, Chizuru-chan, I’m not even feeling that bad. Besides, I think it’s okay if I move my body at least once in a while.”

“I’m sorry, but I cannot.”

The smile from his face fell and he reached for his sword.

“I’ll just use you as a target then.”

Threats and promises of killing you were one of the main things that came out of Okita’s mouth, so now, even though, you saw him take out his sword you didn’t waver. Your heart was pounding in your chest and it was harder to breathe, but you stood right where you were.

“Go ahead,” you said hoping your voice sounded firm. “I’m not moving, so I guess you’ll just have to kill me.”

Okita was clearly taken aback by your words, his eyes widened only slightly yet noticeably. You nearly never opposed him in a such a way and such a direct manner; usually, you wouldn’t even dream of it, but at that time something gave you courage, something you couldn’t yet put your finger on and it was definitely a new to thing to him as well. His surprise barely lingered in his eyes before he pursed his lips and charged towards you; you saw him wince and you knew he was in pain, but it would have been useless trying to stop him, especially after what you had said. Fear gripped your body and every part of you screamed to move away but you didn’t, you just stared at the tip of the approaching blade… before it stopped in just an inch of your throat.  
Okita put the sword away and looked at you, his expression usually sarcastic now looked thoughtful. He opened his mouth, but then closed it, his face twisting in a frown. Could he be at a loss of words? It seemed almost impossible, but there you had it.

“You are so such a weird woman.”

“And you should be resting.”

Okita laughed again.

“I was just about to kill you and you’re still worrying about me?”

“You weren’t going to kill me.”

He grinned and you prepared yourself for another wave of threats.

“That’s correct,” he said instead. “ If I kill you Kondou-san would make someone from the Shinsengumi to look after me instead, and I’m not about to create more trouble for him.”

Whatever your heart felt, those words hurt you. You thought you’ve never had any delusions concerning Okita’s behaviour, there was no reason to think that Okita thought of you as something else other than just an annoying kid who happened to be helpful from time to time. And yet you felt a sharp pang of pain shoot through your chest and you turned your gaze away. Okita seemed like he expected you to say something, but there was nothing you could offer, so he turned away and you looked up just to make sure he went back to his room.  
The desire for training suddenly left you and you slowly dragged your feet to sit under the shadow of the nearby tree. It was useless to try and chase away all of the thoughts that stormed your mind after Okita left. Did he really not consider you as at least a friend? If you weren’t even that then where did that place you? A servant? You felt ashamed of your actions that seemed like nothing more than the desperate act of a child trying to prove itself useful; and how useful could a child be to an adult? It was true that you brought food to Okita every day, helped him move around when he couldn’t, but this wasn’t that difficult for someone else to do. More importantly, did you ever hear any words of gratitude? Any at all? You desperately searched through your mind, but you knew that you’ve never heard such words from him; you’d remembered that. The feeling of shame settled deeply in your heart and you felt helpless against it; you buried your face into your hands and wished you could just leave the Shinsengumi and never come back.

After half an hour, the sudden realization had exhausted your mind beyond what you could endure and you felt hollow as if robbed of any emotion. But as you entered your room your eyes landed on one of the medicine you used to give to Okita. It hadn’t helped him, of course, but it reminded of you what he was going through, both emotionally and physically. You plopped down on the floor and tried to organize your deranged thoughts; at that point you were already overthinking, torn between your feelings towards Okita and that what you owed to yourself.  
In the end, you fell asleep and by the time you woke up it was already evening. You looked around miserably and with horror in your heart realized that you couldn’t leave Okita. No matter what he said, you couldn’t. But you decided that you’d act just like he treated you; you’d bring his food, check on his condition, give him medicine and then leave without saying a word or paying any mind to his remarks. It pained you to do that, but you had no choice.  
You let out a resigned sigh and left the room heading for the kitchen. Inoue-san and Kondou-san invited you to eat with them and the other captains like they did every evening, but you apologized saying you’re not hungry and exited the room carrying a tray with food.

“Oh, Chizruru-chan,” said Okita when you entered the room. He was sitting in his bed and there was a book placed in his lap. You couldn’t help but be surprised to see him in bed for once; usually, whenever you went to visit him he was either not in his room or doing anything but lying in bed. “I thought you’d come earlier.”

You forcefully bit back a reply and curtly placed the tray near his futon. You felt his eyes follow you and you knew he had already sensed your change in behaviour.

“I’m going to go now. Good night,” you said trying to sound as formally as possible, like you were really just a servant.

You didn’t look at this face for a reaction, but saw with the corner of your eye that he slightly rose up from the futon.

“What?” he said confused while you were already reaching for the door. “Hey, wait a minute.”

You slowly turned around and looked him in the eyes. It cost you a lot not to show your anxiety and pain; your hands were shaking, so you put them behind your back.

“What is it, Okita-san?”

He raised an eyebrow upon hearing the word “san.” It had been a while since you had stopped adding honorifics to his name and that seemed to had really threw him off.

“What’s up with you?”

“I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

The harshness in your tone could definitely be felt and you couldn’t help but feel proud of yourself for being so firm under Okita’s gaze. Before it would have been impossible to keep that facade for even a minute, but your determination gave you strength.

“Aren’t you… going to nag me for not taking my medicine or give me another lecture how I should be wearing more clothes because I’m sick?” he tried to sound like he was teasing you, but you sensed something else in his voice.

“I’m here just to bring you food and help with whatever you can’t do yourself. Whether you take your medication or not is none of my business… as you have stated many times before,” you said but it your eyes couldn’t stay locked on his for the whole sentence. “Now if you’ll excuse me.”

You stepped out of the room and slid the door behind you. Whatever confidence or pride you felt as if evaporated as soon as your eyes landed on the night sky. Okita often liked to eat his dinner outside when it was warm and you’d always accompany him; you’d sit on one of the benches and his eyes would trail off towards the sky, and in these moments he seemed to let his guard down and it was only then that you could see him looking calm, almost serene even, as his emerald eyes reflected the night sky and you stared in awe at that rare sight; he wasn’t the scary Okita Souji, he was just a young man that liked looking at the sky.  
You tried to suppress the tears, but your vision was already blurry blocking the view of the sky. The sorrow in your chest was growing stronger and stronger and you moved your feet towards the safety of your room; you just wanted to cry, just to cry out all of these feelings and emotions and be done with it.  
Your room felt dark and cold even, though there were a few candles still burning and the night was warm. You sat down and buried your face into your hands feeling the burn of the tears on your skin. It was difficult, nearly impossible, to have Okita out of your life, despite the facth that you were the one excluding him. Well, it wasn’t going to be anything new, it was just your fault for realizing it so late. You knew that for Okita nothing would be different; the thought of that made a new wave of sadness come over you and you balled up on the ground letting the tears run down your face. It wasn’t easy to cry without making a sound, but you tried hard not to be loud; although not hard enough, it seemed, because the door to your room slid open and you quickly rose up without turning around - whoever it was, you didn’t want to let them see your face.

“Chizuru-chan… are you crying?”

It was him, out of all the people there it was Okita who nearly never came to your room and the timing just couldn’t have been more wrong.  
You didn’t answer, you couldn’t, it would just make it more obvious that you were crying.

“Chizuru-chan, answer me.”

You didn’t move and you didn’t dare breathe. After a few moments of unbearable silence you heard him close the door and move towards you. You tried to turn away and run for the door, but Okita’s hand grabbed your wrist and pulled you back down on the floor. His hand was cold, but you felt warmth coming from his body.

“You really are crying,” he said. “It’s because what I said, isn’t it?”

He lifted a hand and caught your chin in his fingers, slowly lifting it up to meet his eyes. Okita looked… defeated, his eyes, usually gleaming with mischief, looked grey and hollow, the skin on his face was pale and he looked more unhealthy than when you last saw him thirty minutes ago. You blinked and new tears came running down your face.

“I’m such an idiot.”

You saw him open his mouth but that voice didn’t belong to Okita.

“I know… you just want to look after me and that you’re worried.”

There was a long pause before he inhaled loudly.

“You’ve been treating me so well, even though you’ve had every reason not to, in fact, “Okita averted his gaze and laughed bitterly. “I’m pretty sure anyone would say you’re a fool for helping me.”

He shifted and loosened his grip on your hand but didn’t let it go, instead brought his other hand up and placed it on yours squeezing it ever so slightly.

“The truth is that no one’s ever taken any care of me, besides Kondou-san, of course. I guess… I can’t really accept that, but today I hurt you and you’ve decided to turn your back on me and that’s when I realized it. I understand, Chizuru-chan, but before you do that hear me out.”

His eyes bore into yours and you saw determination in them that made your heart skip a beat.

“I am so sorry, Chizuru-chan. I’ve never wanted to really kill you, more than that I… need you, I mean, look at me, I’m a mess and I don’t mean just my illness, I’m no more useless to the Shinsengumi than you are; and you always listen to me, you’re always beside me, I need that… but I understand that what I said was too much. I won’t beg you or anything like that, I just wanted you to know that I’m sorry.”

He let go of your hand and quickly rose up from the floor. His words shook you to the core, more so, you never expected to hear such things from him even in your wildest dreams; he needed you, he had said and it was still difficult to believe it.  
You finally allowed yourself to breath, letting out a shuddering sigh; you felt guilt at the pit of your stomach for behaving so coldly, even though you knew you had every right to. And maybe you still had that right, but after Okita’s words your heart was shattered at the sight of him looking so defeated and you knew you’d never forgive yourself if you were to leave him now.

“Okita.”

Your words were barely a whisper, drowned out by the sobs in your throat. You reached out and grabbed his clothes, pulling him down as hard as you can; that caused him to topple and fall on the ground with a thud. His eyes were wide as you looked at him and threw your hands around his body.

“You really are an idiot, Okita” you said smiling as your tears ran down your face. “I could never leave you.”

“Ah… I guess I won’t hear the end of it then, huh?” his tone was sarcastic, but you felt the relief behind it as he put a hand on your back.

His body was warm, too warm and you knew he had a fever. You wished you could stay like that a little more, but his health was more important to you than anything at that moment.

“Okita, you’re burning up,” you said in his ear.

“It’s because of all the excitement.”

You shook your head and slowly backed away.

“Come on, you should rest.”

“Only if you put me to bed.”

“Of course, I will, I’m not letting you out of my sight for a second anymore.”

“Jeez, what did I get myself into…”

You stood up and reached out your hand to him; he smiled, it was a weird smile, one that you couldn’t really define, it was neither happy nor a sad smile, but as he placed his hand in yours you felt that with time you’d figure out exactly what it means.

It wasn’t long after tha that Kondou-san got hurt and Okita became harsh and sarcastic to the point of driving everyone mad; you were no exception to his snide remarks and rude comments, but this time you knew better than to get hurt by it. You knew this wasn’t the real Okita, because when you looked at him you didn’t see the scary man he presented himself to be, but rather scared boy who wanted to help so badly the only person he ever considered close. You felt the pain he went through for being unable to help, you knew he blamed himself all the time, so you stood there by his side, offering words when there were needed or your embrace when the pain was too strong for words to fix it. And after a while, when his pain had gradually decreased having him tease you again or make merciless jokes was something you couldn’t have imagined you’d feel so overwhelmingly relieved to hear which… much to this surprise as well.


End file.
